We have all wondered for a while now how Tracy managed to have a personal life, write Pink Truth and FRAUDfiles, and have time to actually make money with her real job as “fraud investigator”. I suspect with the number of postings on her blogs and the fact that she has to eat that her personal life is probably suffering the most. You guys know that there is no love lost between me and Tracy, but I am a firm believer that people’s personalities are magnified over the internet. I’m really not as hilariously funny in real life, so I’m assuming that Tracy really isn’t all that mean. That’s why I decided to help her out a bit by signing her up for an online dating service.
Since I don’t know Tracy that well, I had to sort of guess about her likes and dislikes. I know she is a conservative politically. I know that she feels very strongly that her opinions are the only correct ones. Being a CPA, I assume she’s a pretty analytical person. People like that either have no sense of humor or a really wacky one. Judging from her writings, I would regretfully have to say “none”. Since she was once in Mary Kay, I’ll guess that someone out there thought she was “sharp”. She probably dresses OK, fixes her hair, wears makeup, etc. She doesn’t like cats or animals in general. I’ll just assume that means no kids, but I may be wrong.
OK, with these characteristics entered into the computer let’s see who she’s matched up with:
Gilligan: On this end of the spectrum are the guys that Tracy can really push around. Gilligan, although never overtly sexual on the island, had a real bond with the Skipper who treated him like shit. I think Tracy would enjoy being able to freely call him names and beat him about the face and head with a hat. Gilligan was also friends with the Professor (analytical) and seemed in awe of his brilliance even though the Professor couldn’t do jack to get them off the island. Tracy will appreciate the blind adoration, and she won’t really have to do anything to earn it.
Michael Scott: If you don’t watch the “The Office” shame on you. Michael is another from the “push over” group. His relationship with Jan Levinson shows that with bullying and manipulation he will do just about anything including dressing up like a school girl. Michael thinks he has a sense of humor and so does Tracy. Since they both don’t know any better, I think it would be quite a successful match.!
Howard K. Stern: The widower of Anna Nicole, he’s in mourning which means he’ll be even MORE pliable than he was with Anna. If Tracy wants a buttload of prescription drugs, Howard K. is her man! Most likely Tracy will not be needing that particular service, but the fact that this man will basically do anything, legal or illegal, for a pair of rock hard ta-tas has got to excite her. I don’t know if Tracy’s boobies are acceptable for Howard though. Maybe if she would submit a topless photo I’d be able to judge more accurately.
Alec Baldwin: Some of you may be surprised that Mr. Baldwin would be included here, but if you dig deeper you’ll see that the choice is not that off base. Alec is a mean S.O.B. with anger problems. His lack of compassion and empathy for his own child demonstrates his dislike of people (and possibly animals) that are weaker than himself. Check! He’s politically active and uses intimidation to get his point across. Check! He’s a democrat. While this on the surface would be a con, I think that the heated political argument between Tracy and Alec could spark some passionate love-making. Go ahead and picture that.
Stalin: Yes, I know he’s dead, but so is Gilligan and you didn’t complain about that. Stalin was the master manipulator. He would send out spies to destroy his enemies. Dissenters were crushed swiftly and with no mercy. He starved his countrymen to prove his power. He would torture, maim, and kill at the slightest provocation. I think they’d get along great!
Mike Tyson: Secretly, I believe Tracy would love to be with a guy that won’t let her talk shit to him. Mike has no problem smacking a bitch in the mouth when she needs it. And how many times in life do you get the chance to date a man with tattoos on his mother fuckin’ FACE!!! Not often enough is the correct answer.
Britney Spears: Since Tracy doesn’t talk about her personal life, I thought I’d just add one woman in here for good measure. Ya know, just in case she is a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Britney has proven herself very easily manipulated, which is a plus. She’s also rich. She has kids, but she doesn’t seem to care about them. I don’t know about this one……
Wait. She’s a friggin’ crazy wackjob from hell! BINGO!!!